I'm tired of waiting, waiting and somemore endless waiting that proves fruitless and serves only to fill me with a dull ache of emptiness. Whataparadox...

It's easy to get filled up again. The experience of worshipping the Lord and reading His word and having fellowship makes me feel purposeful. Alive. Doing ushering again after months of not doing so (presumably not asked when it was PoP's turn because of the As) just made me happy I was serving the Lord.

Baking almond cookies with my mum and sis and talking about Narnia with its symbolicism brought pleasant surprises when my sis told me she knew and remembered the references and parallels to Christianity.

The unendless downpours have made my semi-flu-sore-throat-cough slightly worse because the voice has taken on a deeper sleepier tone. This self medicating thing is clearly not working well. At least I have a couple of days to stay in bed full time and recover. I shall give in and go to the doctor's.

I have clearly lost my inspiration to continue my fiction because as each chapter wears on, the ablilty to find new twists is waning. My next draft looks promising but I cannot bear to complete it because promising it may be, it does not shout out 'great'. I'll probably redo it.

I feel quite wordless if you asked me to describe what I'm feeling these days. Sometimes I'm submerged in feelings of happiness and love because of the people around me but at others the lonliness and need for intoxication just becomes overwhelming. Is it because suddenly our lives no longer require us to study and we somehow lose the focus that has been governing us for more than half of our lives? I really don't like the idea that studying is our purpose.

Because it isn't. I've witnessed God's miracles. And believe that no matter how bad/good our situation may be, there is always a purpose. God's plan. And with the benefit of that great thing called 'hindsight', it's easy to see the rage and furstration over bad things was needed to mould our character and whatever has happened... Happened for a reason. (Even if we didn't really understand it at that point)